We all know languages are constantly evolving (see "Energizer Bunny" in the O.E.D., for Christ's sake---er, I meant for instance), and some words in English are particularly troubling because they were adopted into our language from other tongues and so they can incorporate different conventions of pronunciation. And because of the multiple pronunciation conventions of various combinations of letters in English alone, we sometimes can't even use borrowed-convention as an excuse! It's a confusing world out there for English language speakers, from the novice to the professional.
Just look at the word Ghoti. Erroneously attributed to George Bernard Shaw, this was actually a combination of letters employed by William Ollier Jr. to illustrate the confusion which arises when you try to undersand how to pronounce a word you've never seen before. (Keenan, 20687) This is a word which incorporates the "fff" sound of "enough," the "ih" sound we hear when we say "women," and the "sh" sound of any word that ends in "-tion"(excepting a few words like "cation"). Ghoti=Fish. Cute, but where does that lead us?
Then there are those words it's nearly impossible to sort out without "good proper British training," like the ridiculous "Worcestershire Sauce" which is supposed to be pronounced "Wooster sauce" and the absolutely insane "Featherstonhaugh" which is to be pronounced "Fanshaw." When one regards the murky, confused ocean of possibilities that is the English Language, clearly we have good reason to commit malapropisms and mispronunciations.
But the whole thing with "Nucular" bugs me because there is no real excuse for it. On the website englishforums.com there is a debate about this very subject, entitled the "Nuclear Pronunciation Debate" (if you're a pedant like me then I highly recommend it, otherwise give it a miss). In the forum, it is observed that President W is one of the more famous folks guilty of pronouncing "Nuclear" incorrectly. Defenders of former US president George W. Bush are quick to point out (in droves!?) that it has been an accepted mispronunciation for decades, and therefore it doesn't indicate that he is a few cans short of a six-pack. Then again, the corruption of standardized language can stem from a stupid lineage, can't it? If Eisenhower was ridiculed for his mispronunciation of Nuclear, as contributor to the online debate Don Phillipson points out, then perhaps there was a reason for that ridicule. Two United States presidents endorsing something wrong don't make it right, do they?
I feel that we humans are not so bright on the whole, especially compared to the beautiful, awe-inspiring Orangutan, or that crafty devil the Vervet Monkey. I say this because we could easily correct an isolated problem such as this, but we lack focus. Our primal relatives, however, can focus on an ant for two or three hours! But our eyes are briefly and furtively trained on so many problems on any given day that perhaps getting food in our mouths or finding a person to sleep with takes precedence over analyzing the language we speak all the time. And if we learn to say "Nuclear" correctly, who is to say that we won't still have a problem getting 'jiggy wid it' in the sack or getting crucial caloric input? I understand this is a problem, and all, but I feel that's a fucking copout. Allow me to illustrate why.
Do you know somebody who has all the greatest stuff that comes out on the market and doesn't use it? Like that person who buys a top-of-the-line stereo and speakers and is constantly tweaking it in his sonic fortress (read: garage), but then spends so much time continually researching and tweaking the setup that he doesn't actually spend time listening to music on the damn thing? Or how about that person who has everything Apple can possibly sell her---a macbook pro with all the trimmings, an iphone, an ipad, an icar, an ihusband,...---only to use them all for the tedium of social networking (the author is exempt from judgement here)?
It's kind of like that with our brains. We have these amazing gizmos in our heads, but we're too stupid or too lazy to operate them at their full potential, with the obvious exceptions of Isaac Newton, Aristotle, Albert Einstein, and John Candy. I guess a fair argument with my premise here would be to blame our brains for that very failing of our brains which I am speaking of, but don't think your cleverness will get you anywhere. This is a rant, not a fucking MLA college paper.
Where was I? Oh yes, distractions! The fact that we have a great number of problems to solve at our disposal doesn't really hold water for me as a reason for why we can't all get together on the pronunciation of "Nuclear." There is the matter of triaging, which is a useful way of making sure the right patient gets in to see the doctor at the right time. We understand and accept this concept quite readily (unless we're stuck sitting in the reception area of a doctor's office for hours) because we triage every day. Who hasn't been hosting a dinner party when the phone begins to ring? Do you answer it? Do you let the machine pick it up? Politeness usually decrees you should let it ring and entertain your guests. But what if it's important? The machine picks up and you hear an urgent message being left on it. Suddenly it's like the guests aren't there and you rush to pick up the phone before they hang up. You have just triaged.
I think that most of us are not in a constant state of emergency. Apologies to the ones who are, but the tactics I am about to suggest are ones that even the twenty-four-hour-a-day survivalist can employ. You can learn new things. You know all those studies that show you that the older you get, the less you can learn? Bullshit. What you do is you trick your brain.
Step One: Treat it as an entirely new word.
Nuclear is a simple word, a mere two syllables! Remember learning your first words? Probably not, unless you are a robot or you are still learning your first words. But at any rate, one can imagine how simple, after learning the trick of the basics like "ma" and "da" and "peal," acquiring a lexicon can be. Treat "Nuclear" as a word you've never seen before. Even if you end up saying something like "knucklier," that's much better than saying, "oh yah, I know that word, it's nucular!"Step Two: Hooked on Mnemonics.
Mnemonics is a way of remembering something by abstractly associating something else with the thing you're trying to remember. However, what I am about to suggest is somewhat different from the way one might chose to remember the phone number of that really sexy somebody by phonetic association (732-7610 becomes "Heaven sees you, Heaven picks one hero"). I am suggesting you remember how to say "Nuclear" by dividing it into two words that, by some strange coincidence, echo the sense of the whole word you're learning.
Consider that nuclear power is a relatively new energy source compared to some of the other tried and true methods of heating your home or driving your car. See that? I just helped your brain remember with the eighth word of the first sentence in this paragraph. Nuclear lends itself quite easily to an association with the word "New."
Now try that second syllable. "Clear." This might be a bit of a stretch, because there is a lot of debate about whether Nuclear energy is cleaner than other forms. But "Clear" can refer to whatever you wish. You can "clear" out Chernobyl with a nuclear explosion. Or you can look at it as a "clear" alternative to more primitive energy sources which pump greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere. You don't have to be for or against nuclear energy in order to say the word "Nuclear" correctly.
Step Three: Practice.
Well, this is an obvious one, I would say. Even if you're on board with saying "Nuclear" correctly now, you may have slip-ups if you have never said it correctly before in your life. Do not be discouraged. Just remember, you're not being an elitist by saying it correctly amongst your peers all of a sudden. You are just being an English speaker. That's okay, isn't it? So let's try it in a few sentences to get you going:
"I have all this nuclear waste to hide before the authorities twig on to what I am doing."
"I want a nuclear sandwich on rye, light on the radium."
"I had some nuclear sex last night."
Easy and fun, isn't it? So let's get this movement going. Tell your friends that they can easily learn how to say the word correctly (remember to employ tact in this venture). Then show them how. Even that person you're on a first date with. Let them know it's worth it to you, and they'll learn. And they will be empowered by this learning. It's not too late for us humans. Let's make this happen tonight! Or maybe after Easter Sunday.
Works Cited:
Keenan, Patrick. Thoughts in My Head and Gleaned Wisdom. 1st Ed., Winnipeg: Patrick Keenan's Published Brainwaves, 2012. Brainwave.
Naneek Of The North
Winnipeg, Canada
No comments:
Post a Comment