Stolen Lawnmower (file under "boo-hoo")

Today I came home from work to let the dog out during the lunch hour, and found my lawnmower had been absconded with. I have no freaking clue when this happened, because how often do you look at your lawnmower in the whimpering first weeks of spring? (by the way, that's a mostly rhetorical question, all ye men over 65. I know you guys check the spark plugs on yours every day) It was a fine machine, purchased a couple years back when I lived on a different property with a much bigger yard. Now that I live where I do, it hardly made sense to own it any more. Those little reel, push-powered mowers are much more this current yard's style than the self-propelled marvel of machinery that this thing was. What I should have done right when I moved to this admittedly rougher part of town is sell the damn thing and use my own elbow grease with the enviro-friendly mower that came with the house. But it was MINE.

Now, I didn't name it or anything, but if a good quality rider mower is like a Mercedes Benz, then this was a Cadillac. No mere Briggs and Stratton, which I suppose is the equivalent of a Harley Davidson---a noisy, scars and all type of thing, this mower was smooth-running and pampering. It even had its own collector bag. Now I fear I'm too materialistic as it is, and I feel my actions are not very much in line with my ideals, but I must confess that "Aww....hey, man!..." was the cry of injustice that whimpered from my heart as I noticed it was gone. But then I went back to work, distractedly thinking about whether I should bother reporting it or not. 

As my brother Tom once said, "You're not going to be hit by the old-age truck, you're already driving it!" 

I have a mixed-up sense of right and wrong in these morally ambiguous times. The part of me reared on old-school notions of WHAT TO DO in these types of situation is always at odds with what the reality of what I see going on around me is. I know that for this one (extremely minor) injustice, there are several much more severe problems from the past week facing the authorities. I've always liked the sound of that phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" and I fully intend to live by that credo one of these days, but at the same time I am pissed. It wasn't some two-stroke broke-down hand-me-down Lawn Boy, but the friggin' Cub Cadet 3-in-1 Convertible Self-Propelled 160 cc Honda 500 horsepower beauty I replaced the former with. An extravagance, sure, but one that certainly helped out my lower back, by virtue of its self-propelling feature, and, like I mentioned above, MINE. Well, no longer.

I'm reminded of that slightly stupid, but very funny sketch comedy piece by the Kids In The Hall where Bruce McCullough comes on to the stage with a bike that's had its front wheel stolen and chastises the anonymous thief. "What, did you think I wouldn't need it???" That's kind of how I feel right now. It's a fruitless, impotent whine that I hear in my writing at this moment. But I'm still not ready to just shrug and say "well, at least it wasn't the Pink Panther diamond or anything,..."

So what do you think, should I bother amusing our beleaguered cops with a stolen property report? I'm inclined to say 'no,' but feel free to weigh in on the comments section below. Bear in mind I have already scoured Kijiji for recent lawnmower postings. However, inventive and sleuthy suggestions are very welcome. Readers of my posts know I have a fair bit of time on my hands to go do detective work...

Speaking of which, I know this isn't the long-winded type of diatribe you few faithful readers of my rants are used to, but that is all I have to say on the matter, except that if you get approached by someone in the North End of Winnipeg who is selling you a Cub Cadet self-propelled gas lawn-mower for really cheap I want you to know it came from someone whom you admire.

Naneek Of The North

Winnipeg, Canada

PS, give it back you hot-item buying prick!